My Entry for a Green Mountain at Fox Run Giveaway

Doesn't this place look peaceful and safe? 

This week Karen has a big giveaway!  It's a one week stay at Green Mountain at Fox Run.  Check out her blog post here.

I’d like to go to Green Mountain at Fox Run to help break through some of my emotions and reveal others I may not be completely aware of.  I’d like to gain the courage to confront the fear and anger that lurk within me.  This last year I've spent a lot of time practicing self-love, but it certainly doesn't happen over night.  I’m making progress on my own, but it wouldn’t hurt to get more hands on guidance.  Maybe GMFR can help me put the pieces together.

My struggles with weight loss have left me in a very foreign place compared to other times.  In my head I have conquered over eating (Yes, it was a battle), but now I’m plagued with under eating.  I certainly notice the effects when I don’t get enough nutrition, and it does nothing for my metabolism I’m trying to coax out of this place.  Daily I have to listen to the bullshit of "go hard or go home" and "eat less to lose more", all of which I used to live and believe.  Every time I hear this ignorance, it infuriates me.  I’ve learned forcing change is ridiculous yet I struggle with wanting out of this place NOW!

There are a lot of emotions I think I ignore or hope will magically go away.  But truth is I don’t know how to work through them.  I’m doing my best and my heart knows that’s all I can do.   But a few weeks ago I realized I’m still holding a lot of anger.  That came to surface when I read Karen’s post Revenge.  Other emotions I have not fully acknowledged openly and honestly, and almost denied a lot of the time, are feelings of fear, regret and moments of being a failure.  The failure I know is attached to my body image.  In my head I'm an athlete, but my body image states something else.  To me that speaks hypocrite.  Letting go of all this to be in the present has been a tough thing for me to do.  I tend to think too linear and have desperate feelings for change.

I have things to confront and others to become aware of.  There’s no doubt I’ve made strides on my own.  But there’s still some inner work to do; There's still some more loving and accepting I'm after.  I tell myself this is all part of my journey.  It feels yucky but it's good.  It's meant to be. Sometimes I think that's how change happens.  We just keep repeating what we want to believe and one day we will live it.  Whether that's how it happens or not that's all I know.