My Entry for a Green Mountain at Fox Run Giveaway

Doesn't this place look peaceful and safe? 

This week Karen has a big giveaway!  It's a one week stay at Green Mountain at Fox Run.  Check out her blog post here.

I’d like to go to Green Mountain at Fox Run to help break through some of my emotions and reveal others I may not be completely aware of.  I’d like to gain the courage to confront the fear and anger that lurk within me.  This last year I've spent a lot of time practicing self-love, but it certainly doesn't happen over night.  I’m making progress on my own, but it wouldn’t hurt to get more hands on guidance.  Maybe GMFR can help me put the pieces together.

My struggles with weight loss have left me in a very foreign place compared to other times.  In my head I have conquered over eating (Yes, it was a battle), but now I’m plagued with under eating.  I certainly notice the effects when I don’t get enough nutrition, and it does nothing for my metabolism I’m trying to coax out of this place.  Daily I have to listen to the bullshit of "go hard or go home" and "eat less to lose more", all of which I used to live and believe.  Every time I hear this ignorance, it infuriates me.  I’ve learned forcing change is ridiculous yet I struggle with wanting out of this place NOW!

There are a lot of emotions I think I ignore or hope will magically go away.  But truth is I don’t know how to work through them.  I’m doing my best and my heart knows that’s all I can do.   But a few weeks ago I realized I’m still holding a lot of anger.  That came to surface when I read Karen’s post Revenge.  Other emotions I have not fully acknowledged openly and honestly, and almost denied a lot of the time, are feelings of fear, regret and moments of being a failure.  The failure I know is attached to my body image.  In my head I'm an athlete, but my body image states something else.  To me that speaks hypocrite.  Letting go of all this to be in the present has been a tough thing for me to do.  I tend to think too linear and have desperate feelings for change.

I have things to confront and others to become aware of.  There’s no doubt I’ve made strides on my own.  But there’s still some inner work to do; There's still some more loving and accepting I'm after.  I tell myself this is all part of my journey.  It feels yucky but it's good.  It's meant to be. Sometimes I think that's how change happens.  We just keep repeating what we want to believe and one day we will live it.  Whether that's how it happens or not that's all I know. 

Practicing Acceptance

I always thought if I just repeated positive affirmations like "i love who I am, and not what I look like", or things like "It doesn't matter what people think of me, only what I think of myself" that eventually I would learn to love myself.  I think I missed something else.  What about confronting the things holding me back?

A few weeks ago I posted The Real Me | Before, After and After After.  After unleashing this I felt empowered. I felt like I had been locked in a cell without ever trying the door - which just happened to be unlocked!  The anxiety had been released.

I think by coming out of hiding, I am confronting ONE of the things in my way to acceptance; avoidance of who I am or who I want to be, or who I want you to think I (still) am.  If I’m pretending to be something I’m not, then how can I ever work on accepting who I am now?  On another note… why am I still attaching “who I am” to how I look!? (another post, another day)

Yesterday in the gym I dreaded using my weight belt.  Actually it's my husbands because mine doesn't fit anymore - in my mind that makes it even worse!  That belt gets so tight there's no hiding the fluff.  I avoid looking in anyone's direction or into the mirror.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?  Not really, but as close as I can get.  In a room full of mirrors, it’s bound to eventually happen; I turned and stared right at my reflection… weight belt cinched up as tight as I could get it.  Enter mind.

Surprisingly the thoughts that came to me weren't what I'm used to.  They were a little more calm and accepting.  I realize I'm larger than I would like or what is "healthy".  I’m coming to see these two sizes (previous weight vs current weight) as completely opposite of each other (more on that later).  I was able to see my strengths in this body first instead of the fat.  It was a foreign but comforting feeling to me.  One I hope becomes more of a regular occurrence.

In Christie Inges post 17 Reasons to Love Your Body Now, reasons #5 and #7 are becoming clearer to me.

#5 Loving your body now doesn’t mean giving up on it. In fact, it means the opposite.

#7 When you love something, you take care of it.

Yes, I've been practicing acceptance and it has helped a lot, but what if I was missing another pathway to acceptance?


#3 You can’t hate your way into anything but suffering.

Recently a friend of mine made the comment... "I just wrote a really intense post about why it's been hard for me to move on from the anger I feel towards my mother...and it's because I haven't allowed myself to fully feel the anger I have!"  (You can read her post here, but you'll need to email her for the password.)

If we don't move through the anger, will we never find the acceptance?


I see this place I'm in as a "good thing".  There's so much good coming from it that would have never been realized without it.  If I truly believe all this, why don't I fully embrace this belief?

As much as I try to force acceptance, the truth is I've been very angry.  I'm angry my body gave out on me.  I'm angry I didn't trust my own body's cues as it was giving out on me.  I'm angry I didn't trust myself, even though I knew better.  I'm angry that I can't will my body into submission.  I'm angry at the way things were "taken" from me.  I’m angry that what others have they take for granted.  I'm angry with the people that steered me in the wrong direction.  I'm angry with people and their quick judgments.  A week or so ago I blocked an asshole from twitter after he made the comment (something along these lines), "you aren't overtrained you are fat! #shutthef*ckupfatf*ck".  Whether that was meant for me or not is irrelevant.  It's a shame there are so many ignorant people on the subject yet leading people down the path so confidently - arrogantly.  I'm pissed at the situation and everything about it.

I’ve been stuck in a “coulda, woulda, shoulda” holding pattern and not sure how to get out.  Maybe the answer lies in what my friend says, “it's because I haven't allowed myself to fully feel the anger I have!"  I've been trying to force my way through it.  If I don’t acknowledge the anger how am I to move through it to find acceptance?

God Wants Me to Listen

img src - www.mommyrantings.com

Slowing down has been good for my spiritual growth.  This may sound a little unorthodox, but I'm Catholic with virtually no education or understanding of organized religion.  As a young girl I connected with God in my own ways.  I'm not sure how I knew how to do this, but I believe we are wired to seek this relationship out; we just know there is something more.

Several years ago I decided to seek out Orthodoxy.  I went to several Wednesday night classes and attended a few services.  I never felt quite right there (or any other church).  I feel peaceful and connected when I'm quiet with God in my ways.

This evening I sat down to read my emails.  I like to check up on my friends through their blogs as much as possible since the majority of my good friends are long distance.  Tonight the blog was Wonderfully Made, written by one of my good friends, Coco.  She wrote about Psalm 139 and because I'm always seeking knowledge and understanding I was intrigued a little more than usual with this post.  Coco talked about the different words that had jumped out at her in Psalm 139 that she hadn't focused on before.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Coco points out, "We spend so much time criticizing ourselves that we forget that we are part of God’s creation. In His eyes, we are perfectly made–human flaws and all." 


Coco's thought provoking blog is very timely for me after giving myself permission to finally be the Real Me. (You have no idea the power and release that gave me.)

Tonight God must have really wanted me to hear him.  Just minutes later I read another message from a friend (who has no connection with Coco or her blog) after communicating what had happened to me (for me??) in the last few years.  He said,  "...its a life long struggle dealing with ourself.  The more we learn the more we try things so don't get so hard on yourself and know God made you just right!!"

There's really not a lot to say.  If God has made me just right, "human flaws and all", then acceptance and growth is all there is left to work on - "fixing" is an obsolete goal.

The Real Me | "Before", "After" and "After After" -

I think it's time I set the record straight. I tried to focus on my strengths and ignore the fact that my weight matters... Let's be real; it matters to me and it matters to you... at least a lot of you.

I belong to a popular support board where my profile gets a lot of attention. I receive positive comments almost daily about how inspiring I am, how motivational I am to them, how others want to look like me, be like me, etc. The last year I've tried to come clean with a public blog on the site saying I've gained back 40 lbs (which at the time was where I was). After no one seemed to get it, I decided to ignore the site and everyone on it. But the daily inbox reminders of comments on photos, my wall and constant friend requests have yet to cease.

Recently I had this photo resurface on my FB page.

My first competition in September of 2009. 

And again the comments on how awesome I look, etc, started reappearing.



I recently read a blog, Grieving the Loss of Your Body Fantasy.  I just sat in silence afterwards as I listened to these words over and over...

"I hope that you will understand when I tell you – I clung to her for dear life because she was going to save me from all of my hatred and loathing and self-imprisionment. She was going to bring me a lover. She was going to find me a job. She was going to help me get dressed in the morning.


And I could chalk up every single disappointment or hurt to the fact that she hadn’t come yet – but she was on her way. 


And so, during that time, I was saved the hurt and horror of feeling rejection and disaster and turmoil,because this wasn’t my real life, not yet, not until she got here."



"...because this wasn’t my real life, not yet, not until she got here." 



"She" is my body from last year.  I have fooled myself in believing I am living in this temporary body.  This isn't real... Just give me a few months... I'll be out of here and back to my real life before you know it. A year later, 80 lbs heavier... I have just been waiting for "her" to arrive.  When that happens only then can I share with you again; I can quit hiding from you all.


I've got to make this real... NOW.   


My husband told me it was time to come out and tell my WHOLE story. My whole story is the fact I'm living in my REAL body at the moment.  And the whole story is only just getting started.  THIS is what happens when you go balls to the wall, when you believe no pain, no gain, and fall into the trap of calories in = calories out. This is Real.

I've tried to focus my attention on what I can control right now... that is my strength and what I've accomplished on the inside through this unfortunate (or is it?) journey. This weight is only part of the story. But I think to be real, I have to share real.

This is my "Before", "After", and "After, After".

And you know what?  There will be an "after, after, after"... and probably even an "after, after, after, after", because this life is not one that just never changes. Hate to say it but shit happens. Some circumstances you have choices over and some you don't. But either way I wanted you all to see the REAL me.

The real me is stronger than I ever thought imaginable - physically and emotionally - and continues to get stronger.  The real me is compassionate, emotional, and deep.  Sometimes I over think things (lol), but I always find what I'm searching for.  When I set my mind to do something I'm persistent and determined; I never give up.  The real me is learning to love and accept myself for who I am today, not for who I was yesterday.

Yup, it's time to show up.