Practicing Acceptance

I always thought if I just repeated positive affirmations like "i love who I am, and not what I look like", or things like "It doesn't matter what people think of me, only what I think of myself" that eventually I would learn to love myself.  I think I missed something else.  What about confronting the things holding me back?

A few weeks ago I posted The Real Me | Before, After and After After.  After unleashing this I felt empowered. I felt like I had been locked in a cell without ever trying the door - which just happened to be unlocked!  The anxiety had been released.

I think by coming out of hiding, I am confronting ONE of the things in my way to acceptance; avoidance of who I am or who I want to be, or who I want you to think I (still) am.  If I’m pretending to be something I’m not, then how can I ever work on accepting who I am now?  On another note… why am I still attaching “who I am” to how I look!? (another post, another day)

Yesterday in the gym I dreaded using my weight belt.  Actually it's my husbands because mine doesn't fit anymore - in my mind that makes it even worse!  That belt gets so tight there's no hiding the fluff.  I avoid looking in anyone's direction or into the mirror.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?  Not really, but as close as I can get.  In a room full of mirrors, it’s bound to eventually happen; I turned and stared right at my reflection… weight belt cinched up as tight as I could get it.  Enter mind.

Surprisingly the thoughts that came to me weren't what I'm used to.  They were a little more calm and accepting.  I realize I'm larger than I would like or what is "healthy".  I’m coming to see these two sizes (previous weight vs current weight) as completely opposite of each other (more on that later).  I was able to see my strengths in this body first instead of the fat.  It was a foreign but comforting feeling to me.  One I hope becomes more of a regular occurrence.

In Christie Inges post 17 Reasons to Love Your Body Now, reasons #5 and #7 are becoming clearer to me.

#5 Loving your body now doesn’t mean giving up on it. In fact, it means the opposite.

#7 When you love something, you take care of it.

Yes, I've been practicing acceptance and it has helped a lot, but what if I was missing another pathway to acceptance?


#3 You can’t hate your way into anything but suffering.

Recently a friend of mine made the comment... "I just wrote a really intense post about why it's been hard for me to move on from the anger I feel towards my mother...and it's because I haven't allowed myself to fully feel the anger I have!"  (You can read her post here, but you'll need to email her for the password.)

If we don't move through the anger, will we never find the acceptance?


I see this place I'm in as a "good thing".  There's so much good coming from it that would have never been realized without it.  If I truly believe all this, why don't I fully embrace this belief?

As much as I try to force acceptance, the truth is I've been very angry.  I'm angry my body gave out on me.  I'm angry I didn't trust my own body's cues as it was giving out on me.  I'm angry I didn't trust myself, even though I knew better.  I'm angry that I can't will my body into submission.  I'm angry at the way things were "taken" from me.  I’m angry that what others have they take for granted.  I'm angry with the people that steered me in the wrong direction.  I'm angry with people and their quick judgments.  A week or so ago I blocked an asshole from twitter after he made the comment (something along these lines), "you aren't overtrained you are fat! #shutthef*ckupfatf*ck".  Whether that was meant for me or not is irrelevant.  It's a shame there are so many ignorant people on the subject yet leading people down the path so confidently - arrogantly.  I'm pissed at the situation and everything about it.

I’ve been stuck in a “coulda, woulda, shoulda” holding pattern and not sure how to get out.  Maybe the answer lies in what my friend says, “it's because I haven't allowed myself to fully feel the anger I have!"  I've been trying to force my way through it.  If I don’t acknowledge the anger how am I to move through it to find acceptance?

Unleash the Caged Animal

I went heavier than I planned.  I'm sure that had to do with the fact I've been like caged animal for the last couple weeks - migraines and some nasty bug.  I spent 2 solid weeks reading updates and posts about everyone else and their workouts and training.  It was like hanging a big juicy piece of meat over me and then jerking it away as soon as I went in for the kill.  Just teasing me.

Here's todays workout:

Sumo Deads
20 x 65
15 x 95
12 x 115
10 x 135
8 x 175
4 x 205
3 x 225

Surprised the hell out of me!  I thought, after taking so long off, 225 was my new max - lowered from my previous 260.  This makes me smile. :)


Cable seated single-arm row
15 x 10 kg
12 x 25 kg


Cable seated row v-bar
3 sets 10 x 40 kg with 3 sec hold


Superset lat pulldowns w/ walking lunges to help with the fatigue

Lat pulldowns
15 x 50 kg
12 x 60 kg
12 x 60 kg


DB walking lunges
12 (each leg) x 15 lb DBs
12 (each leg) x 15 lb DBs
12 (each leg) x 15 lb DBs

Hammer Curls
15 x 7.5 lb
15 x 12.5 lb
15 x 15 lb

It sure feels good being back in the gym.  Game on!

God Wants Me to Listen

img src - www.mommyrantings.com

Slowing down has been good for my spiritual growth.  This may sound a little unorthodox, but I'm Catholic with virtually no education or understanding of organized religion.  As a young girl I connected with God in my own ways.  I'm not sure how I knew how to do this, but I believe we are wired to seek this relationship out; we just know there is something more.

Several years ago I decided to seek out Orthodoxy.  I went to several Wednesday night classes and attended a few services.  I never felt quite right there (or any other church).  I feel peaceful and connected when I'm quiet with God in my ways.

This evening I sat down to read my emails.  I like to check up on my friends through their blogs as much as possible since the majority of my good friends are long distance.  Tonight the blog was Wonderfully Made, written by one of my good friends, Coco.  She wrote about Psalm 139 and because I'm always seeking knowledge and understanding I was intrigued a little more than usual with this post.  Coco talked about the different words that had jumped out at her in Psalm 139 that she hadn't focused on before.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Coco points out, "We spend so much time criticizing ourselves that we forget that we are part of God’s creation. In His eyes, we are perfectly made–human flaws and all." 


Coco's thought provoking blog is very timely for me after giving myself permission to finally be the Real Me. (You have no idea the power and release that gave me.)

Tonight God must have really wanted me to hear him.  Just minutes later I read another message from a friend (who has no connection with Coco or her blog) after communicating what had happened to me (for me??) in the last few years.  He said,  "...its a life long struggle dealing with ourself.  The more we learn the more we try things so don't get so hard on yourself and know God made you just right!!"

There's really not a lot to say.  If God has made me just right, "human flaws and all", then acceptance and growth is all there is left to work on - "fixing" is an obsolete goal.

The Real Me | "Before", "After" and "After After" -

I think it's time I set the record straight. I tried to focus on my strengths and ignore the fact that my weight matters... Let's be real; it matters to me and it matters to you... at least a lot of you.

I belong to a popular support board where my profile gets a lot of attention. I receive positive comments almost daily about how inspiring I am, how motivational I am to them, how others want to look like me, be like me, etc. The last year I've tried to come clean with a public blog on the site saying I've gained back 40 lbs (which at the time was where I was). After no one seemed to get it, I decided to ignore the site and everyone on it. But the daily inbox reminders of comments on photos, my wall and constant friend requests have yet to cease.

Recently I had this photo resurface on my FB page.

My first competition in September of 2009. 

And again the comments on how awesome I look, etc, started reappearing.



I recently read a blog, Grieving the Loss of Your Body Fantasy.  I just sat in silence afterwards as I listened to these words over and over...

"I hope that you will understand when I tell you – I clung to her for dear life because she was going to save me from all of my hatred and loathing and self-imprisionment. She was going to bring me a lover. She was going to find me a job. She was going to help me get dressed in the morning.


And I could chalk up every single disappointment or hurt to the fact that she hadn’t come yet – but she was on her way. 


And so, during that time, I was saved the hurt and horror of feeling rejection and disaster and turmoil,because this wasn’t my real life, not yet, not until she got here."



"...because this wasn’t my real life, not yet, not until she got here." 



"She" is my body from last year.  I have fooled myself in believing I am living in this temporary body.  This isn't real... Just give me a few months... I'll be out of here and back to my real life before you know it. A year later, 80 lbs heavier... I have just been waiting for "her" to arrive.  When that happens only then can I share with you again; I can quit hiding from you all.


I've got to make this real... NOW.   


My husband told me it was time to come out and tell my WHOLE story. My whole story is the fact I'm living in my REAL body at the moment.  And the whole story is only just getting started.  THIS is what happens when you go balls to the wall, when you believe no pain, no gain, and fall into the trap of calories in = calories out. This is Real.

I've tried to focus my attention on what I can control right now... that is my strength and what I've accomplished on the inside through this unfortunate (or is it?) journey. This weight is only part of the story. But I think to be real, I have to share real.

This is my "Before", "After", and "After, After".

And you know what?  There will be an "after, after, after"... and probably even an "after, after, after, after", because this life is not one that just never changes. Hate to say it but shit happens. Some circumstances you have choices over and some you don't. But either way I wanted you all to see the REAL me.

The real me is stronger than I ever thought imaginable - physically and emotionally - and continues to get stronger.  The real me is compassionate, emotional, and deep.  Sometimes I over think things (lol), but I always find what I'm searching for.  When I set my mind to do something I'm persistent and determined; I never give up.  The real me is learning to love and accept myself for who I am today, not for who I was yesterday.

Yup, it's time to show up.

2012 Vision Board | ACTION

2012 Vision for "ACTION" 

In 2011 my word for the year was "LISTEN".  In that year I discovered, in some cases rediscovered, what my strengths were.  All that's left to do is act on it.


2012 is a year full of action.
  

2012 | A Year of Action

Here we are, January 1, 2012.  Last year my word for the year was "listen".  I never blogged about it but I lived by it.  My focus had to switch from intense training to living and healing.  In order to heal... I had to listen.   In order to listen, my whole life had to change.

I spent more time listening to my family, friends and even strangers.  I felt like I had been so focused on training, I missed out on life around me.  Getting back to normalcy in this way was very comforting.  I felt alive for the first time in 3 years - I felt a part of life again.

I listened to my body.  I hadn't realized how much I ignored the messages my body was trying to send me.  Long naps and feeling lethargic weren't normal after all.  Being forgetful, spacey and having insomnia weren't the normal perks of growing older.   Through listening I've learned a lot more about the cues my body sends me and how to honor those needs.

I listened to countless doctors and read countless books, articles, blogs and research papers.  In the end... I listened to my own instincts and common sense.  I learned to trust myself.

So what does 2012 hold for me?

In 2012 I see a year where I continue to hone in on my listening skills, but I also see a year with more action.  Rest and recovery have their place, but it's time to start adapting to more activity.

I also see a year where I have more confrontation.  I know what I need now.  It isn't always going to be what others think I need.  I will have to find my voice.

I gathered a wealth of knowledge in 2011.  In the last few months I learned enough to speed up my progress by leaps and bounds.  I'm anxious for this process to unfold.

In my gut I feel I'm in a place of contentment; I'm not searching for as much knowledge to get me through this.  I feel at peace with what I've discovered and the direction I can take my recovery because of it.  2012 is a time for action.  It's time to start pulling myself out of this hole.